Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Awesome moments in this awesome movie:

1. Various peasants are thrown violently from a tree.
2. Bad guy prepares for his fight against the hero by injecting steroids directly into his nipple.
3. Bad guy pulls electrical cord out of the wall and tries to electrocute the hero with it. Hero kicks his ass. The building’s electrical system shorts out, raining sparks down on the crowd.
4. People wrap their fists in metal and rope and wail on each other.
5. Hero takes a magic herb, which somehow convinces the giant golden head of an idol to break off of its body and crush the bad guy.
6. There’s an extended chase scene on these little three-wheeled taxis (tuk-tuks) that involves a couple of explosions and crushings to death.
7. Hero holds his breath for what seems like ten minutes as he swims over to an underwater graveyard for the stolen heads of idols.
8. Hero jumps from a truck-bed to knee a bad guy on a motorcycle in the head. The bad guy’s helmet shatters and flies off his head.
9. The hero beats his first opponent in the fighting club with one awesome roundhouse knee to the chest/neck region.
10. A bad guy fights the hero, using a long saw as a weapon. It sounds kind of lame, but trust me, it is awesome, and kind of scary.
11. A bad guy steps on the sidekick’s arm and snaps it. The hero gets mad, knocks the bad guy down, steps on his leg, and snaps it.
12. Hero gets gas on his legs, jumps into a fire, comes out with legs ablaze, and proceeds to kick some bad dudes in the face.

Ok, so the story is kind of light. A practitioner of Muay Thai travels to Bangkok to recover the stolen head of his village’s patron idol, Ong-Bak. He’d been raised to never use his martial art in combat, but is forced to fight to save his village. But to be honest, this movie could have 5 or 6 less awesome moments and still not need any story at all.

I give this movie 4 swift elbows to the face out of 5. MUAY THAI!!!

A Real High School Musical — Part II

We at WWM have placed our hands on a leaked script for the upcoming High School Musical 3. We’d heard rumors that Disney had plans to take advantage of the feature film format to shed some of the idealistic innocence of the earlier installments, and make the third film more realistic and gritty–more like a real modern high school–but we didn’t think they’d take it this far. After some deliberation, we decided to publish the script in a few installments for your enjoyment. You can read the first installment here. Consider yourself warned, this script contains adult language and subject matter. Click on the following link to read the second installment.

Happy Linksday!

• For this week’s B-movie bonanza, I’m including a clip from the amazing Black Samurai:
• Boris and Natasha to Harrison Ford: “You will be beaten and despised.”
• I would totally go see Hannah Montana’s Hossanah Banana Cabana.
• Unconfirmed rumors are swirling around possible Spider Mans 4 and 5. Supposedly, the two films will be shot simultaneously, but will not feature Tobey Maguire. Latino Review claims to have insider information that producers are leaning toward either Patrick Fugit or Michael Angarano. Here’s where it gets kind of weird. You may remember Patrick Fugit in his breakout role as William, the young journalist in Almost Famous. Now, Michael Angarano was also in Almost Famous, playing William at a younger age. So the two have played the same character in the same movie. Angarano also played the role of Young Red Pollard in Seabiscuit. The character of older Red Pollard is played, of course, by Tobey Maguire. The movie incest is so thick, my head is spinning.
• I am officially announcing the first WWM field trip! Who’s coming? (The movie also stars Sean Penn.)
• NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• And in this week’s Trailer Theater, we present Righteous Kill, starring Robert De Niro and Al Pacino:

The Zombie Log — Part I: The Curse of the Bat

Our very own Chip Kincaid of WWM is appearing in his first feature film, playing the role of Christian in “Day/Night,” written and directed by David Kearl and Scott Clarke. We’ve asked Chip to write a weekly insider’s report of the shoot. Check back each Monday over the next several weeks for updates.

I am in a zombie movie.

You know when you’re in middle school and some over-enthusiastic teacher has you make a list of all the amazing things you want to do in your life? Whenever I made one of those lists, I never even thought of putting “Be in a zombie movie.” I think I put stuff like “climb Mount Everest” and “swim with dolphins.” That is why those lists are dumb. You have not yet realized what is awesome and what is lame when you’re in middle school.

We began shooting on Day/Night this past Saturday. The general premise of the movie is pretty simple: a newcomer arrives at a camp of survivors of a zombie apocalypse, upsetting the balance of power in the group and setting the stage for conflict, not just between the living and the dead, but among the survivors. My character is named Christian, a relatively well-adjusted, three-year survivor of a zombie holocaust, and a specialist in killing zombies by hitting them in the head with a bat. I’ve been told that my character was written with me in mind, and that I can pretty much just ad-lib if I want, which is good, since I really am a pretty bad actor. On the other hand, it creates this meta-me in my head–me acting like I’m not acting–that I haven’t quite figured out yet.

We started our day of shooting with a trip to goodwill, for some last-minute costuming and prop purchases. As my character’s specialty is crushing skulls, one item on our list was a baseball bat. We approached an employee and asked her where the sporting goods are. The following exchange ensued:

Lady: What are you looking for?

Us: A baseball bat.

Lady: Well, follow me. We keep ’em in the back room so no little kids won’t grab ’em and hit each other and kill each other with ’em.

Us (exchanging looks): Um… ok.

We followed the lady into the back room, which was lined with shelves, most of which were piled high with random items. One shelf, however, held only one thing: a worn, wooden baseball bat with white tape around the handle. I picked it up and wrapped my hands around the handle. It was perfect.

As we went toward the front of the store to pay for it, we were stopped again by the old lady.

Lady: You be careful with that thing!

Us: Oh don’t worry, we will.

Lady: ‘Cause some little kid already used it to hit another kid in the head and killed him!

Us: With this bat?

Lady: YES!

Now, that lady was probably just crazy. She looked crazy and she sounded crazy. It was just like that over-used horror-film device when a crazy old shopkeeper warns the character not to buy that Indian artifact, antique camera, or dusty book of spells. Just like the characters in those movies, we bought the bat, because we needed it and it was only two dollars and that lady was probably just crazy. But if not, there is a chance that one of our props was used to kill a kid. And if that is the case, there is more than a good chance that it is cursed. We considered this a very good start to the day.

The shooting went pretty well, despite the typical unforeseen problems and requisite adaptation. We shot six scenes, most of which only took five or six takes. I was especially impressed with the fortitude of Greg Jeffs (playing the role of Anthon), who endured much crotch injury while shooting a few sniping scenes on an uncomfortable rocky outcropping overlooking Rock Canyon Park. At the end of the day, we adjourned to Wendy’s for some well-deserved DBCs and Frostys. All in all, it was a good first day of shooting.

And the best news of all?

The cursed bat hasn’t killed again…

Yet.

Part II: Ah, the Sweet Smell of Burning Urine

Part III: The Art of Waiting

Delta Farce Rap

As a birthday present, I asked my little brother, John Biogun Kincaid, to write me a poem about movies that I could post on here. He rose to the task and sent me this amazing poem/rap about one of the greatest films of our generation:

I put the DVD in and pushed the play button,
Skipped the previews straight to the feature production.
I grabbed my popcorn and sat down on my arse.
The title came up–I’m watchin’ Delta Farce!
That cable guy Larry brings my smile back.
He’s stranded in Mexico but he thinks it’s Iraq.
They stuck in the desert, they don’t know what to do.
They drinkin’ their urine, I hope they don’t eat their poo.
They eat their MREs, the meatballs and spaghetti.
Now done with the food, they got to get goin’ already.
They walk into a town taken over by a hostile shit-tite,
But they fight for the villagers’ each and every right.
Larry and their friends they save the whole city,
And they even find out sergeant thinks that guys are pretty.
I was hoping that the plot would even extend,
But unfortunately every good thing comes to an end.
Overall I think this movie was pretty close to perfection.
I’m looking forward to watching Witless Protection.

Well done, young Jon. Well done.

Not Really About How She Move

So one of my major quirks/hang-ups/neuroses is that I hate making decisions. I know, everyone says that. But they are liars. What they mean is that they feel uncomfortable deciding things for other people, like where to eat or what movie to see or what kind of pizza to get, if they’re in a group. When it comes to their personal lives, most people really care about preserving their right to decide things for themselves.

I really hate making decisions, big or small. I hate it so much, in fact, that a large chunk of my creative energy is spent developing elaborate, systematic decisive formulas for different situations. For example, if I am hungry and by myself, I drive in a random direction and eat at the first unfamiliar restaurant that I see. Sometimes it backfires and I end up eating at JoJo’s Family Buffet or some other less-savory option, but I keep doing it. This sort of system allows me to function without feeling responsible for the result. I know. It’s kind of sad.

The most elaborate of my decisive systems is that which governs which movies I watch. In somewhat simplified terms, it involves me going to Metacritic and scanning through the various lists of composite reviews it offers, until I come across a movie I haven’t seen that meets the system’s requirements, meaning it has a score of at least 60/100, or between 30/100 and 60/100, but involves some director, actor, or writer that I particularly like. Of course, I follow a specific order when scanning the lists, starting with the most recent releases, then to the box office list, then the list of recommended movies, then to the list of all wide-releases, then to the list of all limited-releases, then to the lists of the top 20 reviewed movies from each year. And need I remind you that this system is actually a simplifying force in my life. Whew.

Anyway, so once a qualifying movie presents itself, it is watched, no matter what, and sometimes the result is not particularly satisfying. On multiple occasions, I have been one or two better-reviewed movies away from watching the new Beowulf movie. /shudder/ Vantage Point qualified, because of my personal devotion to Lost and any actor that appears thereon. That was a disastrously bad movie. Yesterday, the movie that presented itself was How She Move. Now, if I were a normal person, I would have simply decided to not watch it. It was a borderline case, with a score of 63/100. The content of the title indicated that it was probably about dancing, and believe it or not, I do not have the heart of a dancer. The only dancing movies that are any good are from the 80s and good for all the wrong reasons. However, the system arrived at How She Move, so there was no point in debating. I had to watch How She Move.

It sucked.

I think I need to reevaluate some things.

/sigh/

A Real High School Musical — Part I

We at WWM have placed our hands on a leaked script for the upcoming High School Musical 3. We’d heard rumors that Disney had plans to take advantage of the feature film format to shed some of the idealistic innocence of the earlier installments, and make the third film more realistic and gritty–more like a real modern high school–but we didn’t think they’d take it this far. After some deliberation, we decided to publish the script in a few installments for your enjoyment. Consider yourself warned, this script contains adult language and subject matter.

Not Really About Persepolis

Sometimes I miss liking movies.

When I was a kid, all movies were awesome. I think Cool Runnings was my favorite movie until I was eleven. Don’t get me wrong–Cool Runnings is a filth movie, and it is also kind of awesome in a wry, ironically detached kind of way. Back then, though, the awesomeness of Cool Runnings was irony-free and undeniable. I loved that crazy Sanka with his crazy egg (I believe he was played by the amazing Mr. Doug E. Doug). But when Sanka overstepped his bounds and told the mean one that he would never be able to realize his dream of living in Buckingham Palace, my child spirit was bruised. That night, I was at home drawing or doing my homework or something, when I thought about it and started crying. My mom asked me what was wrong, and I told her I was thinking about that part of the movie and that I just wanted to do something with my life to help other people achieve their dreams. Yes, I know. I was awesome. But so was Cool Runnings.

And not just Cool Runnings–I have seen an ungodly number of PG-rated, live-action Disney movies, all of which are filth, except for Heavyweights and First Kid. Heavyweights and First Kid are great. Race the Sun, on the other hand, is not. But I still loved Race the Sun. I LOVED EVERY MOVIE I SAW. It was an idyllic time. My parents paid for my movies and I was never disappointed.

Then, something happened. I don’t know what. But I stopped liking movies. Nowadays, I can automatically elimante 75% of movies without anything more than a cursory knowledge of subject matter, cast, and crew. And even among the ones I deem worthy to be seen, very few really meet the mark. Lately, I’ve noticed a new development: the plots of movies don’t seem to work right. They all seem to end too soon or develop the characters poorly or just go in the wrong direction. Even critically acclaimed movies like Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead and Eastern Promises just didn’t seem to work right. Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but that is the sad nature of my moviegoing lifestyle.

Anyway, I guess the point is is that Persepolis is a really, really good movie. So good, in fact, that it made me feel, every second, like I was watching something really great. The animation was gorgeous and haunting and the story was inventive and engrossing. I really had no complaints at all. That is to say, when I was watching it, I felt like I was a kid watching Cool Runnings again. A repentant snob given a merciful reprieve–a chance to enjoy life once more.

Happy Linksday

• If you, like me, are a fan of Woody Allen, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and old-man legs, then this is nothing but good news.
• Paste Magazine is picking the best b-movie of all time. Their choices are all pretty great, although sadly, the greatest of them all, the almighty Black Samurai was left off their list. Of the choices they’ve provided, I think my vote has to go to Killer Klowns from Outer Space:
• I rarely support censorship, but anything that keeps people from having to look at Sarah Jessica Parker is OK by me.
• This year’s Cannes is supposed to feature one of the strongest sets of films in years. The highlights include a Clint Eastwood thriller with Angelina Jolie, an animated Israeli movie, and Fernando Meirelles’s adaptation of José Saramago’s Blindness. Its lowlights include this.
• I can’t put my finger on it, but something in this quote seems extremely inappropriate.
• My nominee for the “Best Award” award at the Award Show Award Show.
• In case you happened to be wondering what the biggest movie of 2009 will be, here you go.
• 2 early scripts for the first X-Men movie have been uncovered, and still no Gambit.
• And in this week’s Trailer Theater, we present Monster Camp, which is threatening to dethrone The Foot Fist Way as my favorite movie that I haven’t seen. You can’t really argue with a trailer that contains the exchange: “I eat your mind, one. I eat your mind, two. I eat your mind, three.” — “What’s that do?” — “Your mind is gone.”

3 days too long.

This is a bit of a blast from the past, but I thought it would be good to start with something that is controversial between myself and Mr. Chip.  Two words.  Michael Clayton.  The first 15 minutes, fantastic.  The last 15 minutes, superb.  “Do I look like I’m negotiating?” = classic.  However the string of film between those two 15 minute segments was, for me, death.  The story is interesting enough, cancer-causing big business contracts Michael Clayton to clean up “messes” that seem to put the company in peril.  The story takes place over the course of 3 days, sadly enough I’m pretty sure I was in the movie theater for all three of those days.  By the end of day one my chair felt like it was made of granite and I shifted uncomfortably for hours while we watched Tom Wilkinson, the cancer causing company lawyer, slowly lose his mind and flash the attendees of a deposition.  Day 2 is a blur because by this point to keep from screaming I was taking up 4 seats across in the fetal position wishing something interesting enough to cause me to sit up would occur.  It was not till Day 3 that I got a fresh Dr. Pepper and watched the ending of what should have been a 30 minute movie.  Overall I highly recommend this movie if you are looking for something to waste 3 days of your life, otherwise steer clear and pick up Clooney in another of his large array  of films that won’t make you want to take your own life.