The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Arrows are SCARY AS HELL.

Seriously. No weapon in the history of mankind is scarier than the arrow. They are sharp and they fly. If you aren’t deathly afraid of being shot with an arrow, then you haven’t thought enough about it.

I saw Prince Caspian last night, and my initial reaction? Too many arrows.

That may seem like a strange criticism to make. It’s not like there weren’t other complaints to be made. The movie was kind of boring. For some reason the filmmakers added a ridiculously fake romance between Susan and Caspian. Watching them try to kiss was like watching toddlers try to figure it out–two abnormally large, female toddlers with weird accents. The cheesy Regina Spektor song at the end was anachronistic and off-putting. Nothing in the movie really managed to engage me. But what really bothered me was that this movie, which is being billed as the family movie of the year (and secretly billed as Jesus’s favorite summer blockbuster), was incredibly, and gratuitously, violent.

Now I’m no prude when in comes to cinematic violence. I’ve seen my share of Tarantino movies. I liked the opening battle scene in Saving Private Ryan. You know that effect when somebody gets shot in the head and the blood splatters on the wall behind them? I love that effect! Something about this movie, though, just gave me the willies. After I thought about it for a while, I realized, the violence in this movie is exactly the wrong kind of violence, for a few reasons:

1. It was cartoonish and bloodless. For some bewildering reason, the MPAA would rather kids witness violence without seeing any of the consequential mess. I would rather have my kid watch a war movie where you see a guy’s intestines outside of his body than a Bond movie where people get shot left and right, like it’s not even a big deal.
   
2. The violence was performed by likable, kid-centric characters. No Country for Old Men was a violent film, but no one watches the movie and leaves pretending to be Anton Chigurh. In Prince Caspian, the most visibly violent characters are the funniest and furriest–a band of cocky, rapier-wielding mice who slit throats like it’s nothing.
3. I wasn’t sufficiently warned. The first one wasn’t this violent, was it? Maybe it was. Kids in Mind ranks them identically, both receiving a 6/10 for violence. But at least the first one had a sense of grandeur and nobility. The fighting seemed justified–sort of the inevitable and necessary last resort. And it was rated PG-13, so the violence seemed suitable and expected. Prince Caspian, on the other hand inexplicably received a PG rating. And throughout, the fighting rarely seems like anything more significant than a land dispute. The message is clear: slit as many throats as you want. Hell, you can have stuffed animals stab each other in the neck all day, as long as you keep red-dyed corn syrup off the prop list.
4. THERE WERE ARROWS EVERYWHERE.